Venting

The weekend is here and I do not usually post. But, I am still sitting in this hospital room and wanting to let out my feelings. So, my blog gets the brunt of my emotional whirl wind.

My mother no longer speaks, eats nor drinks. She just is. It is very difficult for me to not be able to fix this. When your child has a cold, broken arm, stubbed toe, you fix it. Never knew how intense this urge was, to fix, was in me. I feel helpless, but praise God, nor hopeless.

I slept last night, for the first time in days. But, I would wake up in the hospital bed and listen to hear her breathe. She continues on but, without pain and for that I am so very grateful.

Every once in a while, I freak out. It is as if I suddenly explode with emotion. What I'd really like to do is to scream at the top of my lungs for about 5 minutes. That would relieve a lot, but instead I let in out a bit at a time. So, bits of explosion come out of me now and then and I weep.

There is no room for us in the hospice. Is that a weird thing. They are full and have a waiting list. So, the hospital that we are in has made her room into a temporary hospice. It has all been surreal.

I keep turning to God for my comfort. He stands by me and my family. I see Him in the faces of those who care for my mother and those who come to encourage and support the family through this time. I am, so very grateful to everyone. God is here and I am blessed because of it.