A Time to Die

It is 10:47 at night. I am sitting in a hospital beside the bed of my mother. Today I made the decision to take her off all medical help. So, now I wait.

We do a lot of waiting in our life time. We wait for the baby to be born, we wait for the bride to walk down the aisle. We wait for the beginning and we wait for the end. We wait in line and we wait for the pain to stop. But, this is the longest wait of my life.

I watch her chest rise and fall and think ahead to that last moment when it no longer rises. When my mother is no longer a part of my everyday existence and I no longer hear her voice. That is a time I wish would never come. But, I sit and wait for that moment knowing I can not stop time.

I chose to make this wait stop. I told the doctors "no more". And yet, I have my doubts that I did the right thing. Knowing it is the right decision and feeling it is right are two different things. My feelings are drowning in a sea of tears.

The wait could take a while. "No one knows" is what the doctor said. He added that, "her heart is strong, but it is failing." I wondered at the contradiction, but understood that she was not going to come back to me. So, morphine is the drug of comfort and now she sleeps. But, I do not. I sit and wait. Watching her chest rise and fall. Waiting for her to leave me.